Whatever You Say, Say Nothing

I really wanted to call this post "The orange assassin" but had a vaguely uncomfortable feeling that that particular title could hold sectarian overtones….!!  It’s the subject of a dream I had a few nights ago that I’ve been reflecting on a bit.  In this dream, I was in a building with many rooms - like a hotel - and was being pursued by a hit man, an assassin.  He was standing very close to me and was somehow blurred and misty and the only characteristic I could really make out was a sort of glowing orange hue.  I wanted him to just kill me and get it over with (he had a gun) but he gently refused and, putting his arms around me, told me that I had to enjoy the rest of the evening before it all ended.  I felt frightened but also strangely excited.  I knew I had to enjoy every moment, that I couldn’t just hurry the end along.  The assassin was very gentle but there was absolutely no question of escape.  The dream was in contrast to another dream I had months ago of being pursued by an assassin - in that case I was desperately trying to secure all the doors and windows to the house to keep him out, at the same time knowing it was futile.  That assassin was all in black and angular and very threatening and had a syringe as his means of dispatch. Mmmm…. publishing dreams feels strange when I don’t even know what they mean myself!  I think though the meaning is coming into focus more through reflecting on the first of the three laksanas (marks of conditioned existence) on this wabi sabi retreat.  This says that all things in samsara are impermanent (the other marks are unsatisfactoriness and insubstantiality).  Through really seeing and experiencing these marks, or characteristics, we can come to doorways to liberation.  So there could be 2 responses to the ultimate experience of impermanence which I guess is death - fear alone, or a realisation that everything is in the continuum of becoming and ending, and so the present moment is entirely meaningful in itself.  Perhaps these were the responses I was experiencing in dream 1 and dream 2…..

Well, resistance may indeed be futile, but I’m responding to autumn by looking for a holiday somewhere warm and bidding for a bikini on eBay. Impermanence may be unavoidable but you can’t help trying.

Mmm.. I’ve just realised it’s a week since I last posted something on here…  Part of the reason is that I have been over in Ireland visiting my family. It’s a strange thing going back to where you are from, as I guess many people would agree.  I’ve lived over half my life away from Ireland now and yet I’ve never felt I totally understand the way things work in England (and now Wales) .. but Ireland feels unfamiliar in many ways now too.  So why or what is that feeling?  I guess it must be a cultural familiarity/strangeness - something to do with the way things are done and, probably even more so, with the way people communicate with one another.  There are so many nuances to communication - the words and tones we use to convey humour, irony, mild disapproval, faint warning, complete delight - and these certainly vary from region to region.  I was reflecting that it’s probably very good practice to have to communicate more straightforwardly, yet it’s so much more of a challenge.  There’s also a definite pleasure in communicating in a more minimal way, because there’s a shared understanding of language.  Back to that old debate - does language shape thought, or thought shape language?  They say that Eskimos have many words for snow because the subtle changes are significant. Mmm… I notice my Derry phrasebook has a very significant number of words for the concept ‘drunk’……  so do you know the difference between ’stocious’ and ‘blootered’??

Something else that keeps running through my mind is a line from the David Lynch film ‘The Straight Story’ which I watched again last weekend.  When someone says to the main character ‘What’s the worst thing about being old?’ he replies ‘Remembering when you were young’. 

Here are a couple of photos (not very good, I took them with my phone) of the most beautiful angel I have seen so far in a cemetery.  She is in Colchester cemetery, quite close to where I used to live.   Lots of angels in cemeteries are either weeping or gazing up to heaven imploringly, but what I love about this one is that she looks so entirely calm and businesslike.  "Moving on to the next world..? No problem. Next". If you’ve seen a more beautiful one, let me know.

Well, the bug that started as a cold has really knocked me out and I’ve been in the twilight zone for the last few days.  Someone did point out that it’s not feeling unwell, but all the stuff, such as anxiety and frustration, that gets put on top that is the really uncomfortable experience.  It’s true, but not that easy to change!  Today on the way to see the doctor, I found in my jacket pocket the Guardian obituary of the Irish writer John McGahern, which I had torn out of the paper in March and then lost (tip: lost things often turn up in pockets).  If you haven’t read any of his books, then Amongst Women and That They May Face the Rising Sun are wonderful.  I found this quote "The best of life is life lived quietly, where nothing happens but our calm journey through the day, where change is imperceptible and the precious life is everything".  This came on top of reading Pema Chodron’s Start Where You Are (a commentary on the Seven Points of Mind Training) in which she says "Whatever bright solutions or big plans you come up with, just let them go, let them go, let them go. Whether you seem to have just uncovered the root of a whole life of misery or you’re thinking of a rootbeer float - whatever you’re thinking - let it go….. just pause and notice, and let go".  It seems that McGahern also is touching on this theme of letting go of both hope and fear and living life moment by moment. Sooo…. to move away from the theoretical. …I could let go of feeling anxious about not being on the work retreat (will people think I’m useless?), worrying that I won’t be well enough to visit my mum next weekend (will she think I’m hopeless?) and letting my lover see me looking pale and spotty (too terrible to contemplate).  And just appreciate my moment by moment existence which is actually not unpleasant at all in the main.  Difficult choice…….  I’ll let you know…